Monday, August 30, 2010

Opening my eyes to the weather and the good in things

Things are maybe starting to get a bit better...whatever that means. I don't well up in tears as often when I talk about Ryan or am reminded of something. Instead I typically smile as I remember all of the happy memories we had. This time has really allowed me to reflect on a lot of things and made me so very grateful for everything that happened. If there was any way Ryan could have stayed with us, of course I would have wanted that. But knowing that wasn't an option, I am so lucky for what did happen.

As Talyn continues to grow up, he is creating new memories of his own. We talk about daddy all the time, but I also worry that he will slowly forget the times they spent together. But because we had advance notice of Ryan's future, we had the time to put a bunch of pieces in place so that as Talyn grows older I will have many things to show him. The videos that Ryan did for us and his book are really the best legacy someone could hope to leave. Talyn will be able to hear his daddy's voice and see his maneurisms and learn more about who he was.

Ryan and I had time to discuss my future without him and what was important to him, as I continued to raise Talyn. We were able to say "I love you" to each other about 500 extra times and I know that if he has any control over his new life now, he is staying close to us and making sure we are okay.

This week Talyn starts Kindergarten. He is so proud of going to full day school and the structure that will bring our lives is really coming at the perfect time. Although we've really needed to have little structure for the last while, now it's time to create some again and find new ways to bring meaning and purpose to our lives.

We also had some time away in Regina and at the cottage. For Talyn that time gave him some one on one attention that he's been craving and for me, the world stopped and I was left with nothing but the loneliness. We used to go on this vacation together every summer and going without Ryan was very different. It used to be the chance we had to reconnect and start planning again for the next year. Now those plans were all erased.

One day when I was having a hard time, Talyn told me that daddy talks to him every day. I have learned to not act surprised by anything anymore and asked him to tell me more. But he said it was a secret between him and daddy. I asked him if daddy was there and if he could please ask him something for me. I said "ask daddy if there's anything he wants to tell me". That was my sure fire way of finding out whether something I wanted to be true so badly was or not. Talyn said "oh yes he does and it's very important!". "Great", I said, "what is it?". It was a beautiful sunny day and the forecast was all sun too, we were on our way to the exhibition for a day outside of rides and games. "daddy says check the weather". "what?" I said, "no, I asked if there's anything he wants to tell me. surely something very important is not that". "Yes", Talyn said, "he says check the clouds".

So that was the end of my hope that something in this was true. If Ryan had the chance to tell me something, it would certainly be how much he loved me, missed me, anything - but not "check the weather". We spent the next couple of hours enjoying the exhibition with friends and then talyn pointed up to the sky and said "look at the dark clouds mommy, that must have been what daddy was talking about". Sure enough, on a beautiful sunny day, the dark clouds that weren't forecasted came rolling in.

At the time, I was speechless. Wondering if I was going crazy, if Talyn was a jedi-meteorologist or if somehow Ryan was telling us that he was still with us. Before he died, Kevin and I used to tell him that if he was able to send us some signs from his next life, to please do so. I choose to believe that this was my sign.

Coming back to Calgary was really nice. I think the time away made me stop and spend some time alone with my feelings. There was no laundry to do, no chores around the house or emails to send....only time and thoughts. Although that was incredibly hard, I needed to get some of that out and I did. Being back allowed me to feel differently about things here. Instead of focusing on what was lost, I felt grateful for what we had and how lucky we were for how things happened. I challenge you all to take a look at your lives and its challenges through different eyes and see how it feels. I think you'll agree that we are all very lucky.