Friday, November 28, 2008

Searching for a cure...

It really makes me mad that right now there are so many people around the world that are in the same situation we are. The western doctors are not as hopeful as you want them to be, every eastern doctor we meet is sure they can cure Ryan completely and we are stuck in the middle trying to figure out which way to go. It just doesn't make sense that in a time where your mind is not as clear as you need it, you are forced to act like a doctor and decide which is the best treatment to go with.

Through the past week I have transitioned nicely through the many stages of grief. The day after the news I went to a work meeting and everyone kept asking me why I was there - Denial. Then I started to feel really mad at why we should have to deal with cancer as a couple for the 6th time! I have always said that it was better it was us than a child or an elderly person, but that's because I was always totally confident we could get through it. But this time I did finally get - Mad. The next step is supposed to be Bargaining, where I will promise to whatever god or spirit you believe in to be better. I have always done this before, but this time have a hard time putting my head around any person that would give us this challenge again. On Tuesday of this week, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I couldn't get out of bed and cried very easily - Depression.

Now I am moving towards the fight - Acceptance. Reminding myself that Ryan has always been the exception and will continue to be so. The hardest part of this stage is that you have to let your mind go to the worst possible conclusion and go through how you would deal with that. Then you can bring yourself back to the today and deal with every day as it comes without going to that dark place again.

When someone gets this kind of news, the people around them don't know what to do or say. That is okay and normal. Just know that they would much rather you tell them that you're sorry they have to go through this and that you don't know what to say, then if you stay silent. They need to know that you are there to support them and help them out. Now they may not take you up on any of your offers to help, but the fact that you did makes them really know you care.

I am not saying all of this to get you to email me, but just to share with you what I experienced in terms of reactions when I was sick and what I am now seeing with Ryan. Live today like there is no tomorrow because none of us know what will happen today. Make Ryan your inspiration to tell someone you love them, forgive someone for something they've done or do something great that you keep putting off. Together we can make this a better place, but it's not going to happen if we all wait for that to happen.


  1. Dear Tasha,
    Your "Searching for a Cure..." leaves me searching within myself for the most positive thoughts and energy that I can send your way at this time.

    I cannot imagine what it must be like for you and Ryan to have to make personal life choices based on the cautious skepticism of western doctors and the pure optimism of eastern practitioners.

    Everything is happening so quickly, too. You have actually had to fast-track yourself through paralyzing denial to powerful acceptance so that you can get on with the battle at hand, right now. Not even time is on your side!

    We are learning so much from you as you continue to post your story on the blog, Tasha. You tell us that our support, such as it is, really matters to you. You encourage us to find inspiration in Ryan and to make any necessary changes in the way we live our own lives. You remind us to stay in the moment and to live life fully, just for today. How can you want only good for others when you are hurting so much yourself?

    I look at the November 23rd picture of you and Ryan at "an early Christmas dinner" and I make myself a promise. In thinking of you, I will dwell on nothing other than the love of life and the hope for the future that I see in your own faces. That is the healing energy I choose to generate on your behalf.

    In a personal email this evening, my friend Margaret, asked me to tell you that she is "sending a few thoughts and prayers out your way, too".

    The battle is yours, Tasha and Ryan, and we believe in your victory.

    Sincere well-wishes,
    Louise and David

  2. Hi Tasha - you and Ryan and Talyn will be in our family's nightly prayers throughout Advent.

    Holly Gustafson (nee Antonini) and family

  3. Hi Tasha

    Your dad gave me your blog ages ago and I have visited it at various times to keep up with what you are dealing with. This is the first time that I have made a comment. I think I have also experienced the eastern vs. western doctors thing. I decided to go east, I'm currently in Montreal where I have been since the begining of August. I am at day 61 since my allogeneic stem cell transplant at the Royal Victoria Hospital.