Thursday, April 29, 2010

My "person" is gone

I still mostly feel like I'm in a dream. Because Ryan had moved into the pad at the end of January, we had some time to adjust to our house without Ryan in it and so most times I can trick myself into thinking we just haven't seen him in a while. But then I remember the reality of things.

The hardest time of day for me is the morning. Waking up to a new day, sun shining in and turning over and remembering that he's not there. It feels really lonely and that will take a very long time to get used to. Some people have asked me what is the biggest change and I know exactly what it is.

You know when someone cuts you off in traffic and you need to tell someone? You know when something hilarious happens and you know exactly who you're going to call first? You know the person that makes you feel better when you're sick? Well that one person that I had in my life is now gone. That is the biggest change for me.

Talyn has been doing okay. Both at preschool and his dayhome, they are noticing some anger coming out. This is unfortunately normal for what he's dealing with, but breaks my heart. He spent the first two weeks after Ryan died trying to figure out how we could get him back and why he wouldn't just come back? But now he's mostly accepted that isn't going to happen and spends his time trying to figure out how we can get to daddy.

Sometimes he wishes we could both die so that we can be a family again together in heaven. And sometimes he wishes he were a giant, so he would be as tall as the clouds and then he could reach daddy to give him a big hug. I just wish I could make it all better for him, but I can't and that brings tears to my eyes to even write.

We are coming up on what might be a very hard "first". Talyn turns five next week and his birthday party is this weekend. Although he is excited about the party, he chose a Star Wars theme for daddy and we chose to have it at home in case daddy could be with us. I am sure the day will be hectic and with much distraction, but I am also sure that we will feel a big hole.

Then next week on the actual day we go into his preschool and talk about the years of his life. Last year Tricia helped us create a beautiful collage and Ryan, Talyn and I got to talk about it to his class. This year he asked if Kevin and Tricia could come because Ryan can't...I think I might be the one trying to hold it together that day! For his present, I am suprising him with a trip to DisneyWorld with the Crowes. I figure we could all use some of the happiest place in the world in our lives these days.

We continue to see signs of Ryan scattered throughout our lives and I am not ready to change that. I also continue to feel a true "pit in my stomach" sadness at the loss I feel every day. The life that Ryan helped us build was full of laughter, smiles and hugs, so we are trying to keep those things a big part of what we do. I feel like I have slowed down a bit and am more reflective about wanting to live a really great life today and be genuinely good to other people. I don't know yet exactly how I have changed, but know that I have and will continue to do so as we continue through this new journey.


  1. THank-you again for sharing all of this with everyone. Like every post you put up you once again prove you are even stronger and braver then the last post. Stay strong, keep your head up. Everyday will be a battle but hopefully that battle will get just a little bit easier in time. Cherish every sign you get from Ryan. He is with you and Talyn on your journey everyday. And when you wake in the morning and the sun is shining through maybe that is Ryan trying to give you that ray of sunshine to begin your day with a smile. Stay strong and never ever forget that you are an Amazing woman. Keep your head up high and know that complete strangers are rooting for you. Sending light and love.

  2. You are an amazing strong person but remember to be gentle with yourself . Give yourself time to grieve . Wrap yourself in all those beautiful memories . Your family has a wonderful love story that transcends everything . You have been carrying everything and everybody rest young woman. You are loved.

  3. Dear Tasha,
    You write so well! The math teacher in me really likes the new X factor in the title of your blog. You are boldly finding your way in unknown territory and already your insights into this part of your journey are powerful ones.

    Thank you for your opening description of that "somewhere place" between dream and reality when a momentary joy shifts to a lingering sadness.

    Thanks, too, for explaining the biggest change in your life in such a concrete way. You prove just how automatically we turn to share simple, everyday happenings with one special person in life. We are so sorry that your "person is gone".

    The most moving part of your entry is your understanding of what Talyn is going through. It is clear that the grief of a child is staggering. That is shown in Talyn's struggles to find a way for his daddy to return or, failing that, a way for him and you to join Ryan wherever he is. I cannot tell you how widely you have opened my heart to greater empathy for children like Tayln.

    David and I hope that this weekend's birthday celebration in anticipation of Tayln's 5th is happily distracting and lots of fun for him and his friends. Your Disney World gift to him is generous and timely. We hope that you are able to enjoy being with Talyn in "the happiest place in the world".

    We are sure that Talyn's classroom presentation about the days of his life will reflect the constant love of family that has given him the confidence he needs to go on. I am glad that he will be able to look out at his audience and see the proud, supportive smiles of you, Kevin and Tricia. We will watch for a picture of the event on your blog page.

    You know, Tasha, it is wonderful that signs of Ryan remain "scattered throughout" your lives. It is also quite remarkable that those signs are mainly positive ones that fill life with laughter, smiles and hugs. Clearly, Ryan has left you and Tayln the legacy of a "stop, drop and smile" attitude that is reflected in each of you even in this most difficult part of your journey.

    Thank you for continuing to share your journey with us.
    Much love,
    Louise and David

  4. Always thinking about you and hoping you are finding your and Talyns way. Just thought if you needed an extra smile some days there is a book out right now called The Book of Awesome. By Neil Pasricha. It is all about in enjoying the little simple things in life. Since that is what Ryan was trying to get out to people thought you might enjoy the read. Thoughts and prayers always.

  5. I think of you every single day Tasha. My heart hurts and tears sting my eyes as I read your straight from the heart. Ryan's writings have influenced me so much in my own fight and they are leading me through my cancer jungle as I continue to hack away at the thorns and underbrush that is grabbing at me, yet again. I will always strive to live, and let go, as he did - with joy and class every step of the way.

    Heartfelt thoughts and hugs from the flatlands to you. xo


  6. I met Ryan once at the MRI clinic (I posted on his blog once). You have been on a most incredible and trying journey. I want to share a quote with you:
    "If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you." (A.A. Milne- Winnie the Pooh)
    I wish you strength, courage and healing as you continue your journey. All the best to you and Talyn-- take good care!