I still mostly feel like I'm in a dream. Because Ryan had moved into the pad at the end of January, we had some time to adjust to our house without Ryan in it and so most times I can trick myself into thinking we just haven't seen him in a while. But then I remember the reality of things.
The hardest time of day for me is the morning. Waking up to a new day, sun shining in and turning over and remembering that he's not there. It feels really lonely and that will take a very long time to get used to. Some people have asked me what is the biggest change and I know exactly what it is.
You know when someone cuts you off in traffic and you need to tell someone? You know when something hilarious happens and you know exactly who you're going to call first? You know the person that makes you feel better when you're sick? Well that one person that I had in my life is now gone. That is the biggest change for me.
Talyn has been doing okay. Both at preschool and his dayhome, they are noticing some anger coming out. This is unfortunately normal for what he's dealing with, but breaks my heart. He spent the first two weeks after Ryan died trying to figure out how we could get him back and why he wouldn't just come back? But now he's mostly accepted that isn't going to happen and spends his time trying to figure out how we can get to daddy.
Sometimes he wishes we could both die so that we can be a family again together in heaven. And sometimes he wishes he were a giant, so he would be as tall as the clouds and then he could reach daddy to give him a big hug. I just wish I could make it all better for him, but I can't and that brings tears to my eyes to even write.
We are coming up on what might be a very hard "first". Talyn turns five next week and his birthday party is this weekend. Although he is excited about the party, he chose a Star Wars theme for daddy and we chose to have it at home in case daddy could be with us. I am sure the day will be hectic and with much distraction, but I am also sure that we will feel a big hole.
Then next week on the actual day we go into his preschool and talk about the years of his life. Last year Tricia helped us create a beautiful collage and Ryan, Talyn and I got to talk about it to his class. This year he asked if Kevin and Tricia could come because Ryan can't...I think I might be the one trying to hold it together that day! For his present, I am suprising him with a trip to DisneyWorld with the Crowes. I figure we could all use some of the happiest place in the world in our lives these days.
We continue to see signs of Ryan scattered throughout our lives and I am not ready to change that. I also continue to feel a true "pit in my stomach" sadness at the loss I feel every day. The life that Ryan helped us build was full of laughter, smiles and hugs, so we are trying to keep those things a big part of what we do. I feel like I have slowed down a bit and am more reflective about wanting to live a really great life today and be genuinely good to other people. I don't know yet exactly how I have changed, but know that I have and will continue to do so as we continue through this new journey.