Saturday, October 30, 2010

Stuck in the "in-between"

Lately I have felt like I know I need to move forward and start to re-create my life and who I am now, but haven't been able to. Most weeks go by and I feel like I've gotten Talyn to school and sports, gotten to work and done the other things I do, but we're not really moving ahead. Because I know that's the next step and I am a planner, it's frustrating that I can't seem to get going already. The best way I can describe it is that I feel like I'm stuck in sludge. My feet are moving, but I am not.

It wasn't until I watched last week's "brothers and sisters" - an excellent show, that I realized why. Calista Flockhart's character has crazy similarities to my life. She battled cancer, has a son and now has lost her husband. In last week's show she met someone and was having a hard time moving forward (that part I don't have a similarity too though). Her mother sat her down and said that she wasn't yet ready to let go of the life she was supposed to have. The life she planned with her husband and child, the dreams they had together and the life they wanted. Until she was ready to say goodbye to this life that wasn't going to be a reality anymore, she couldn't possibly move forward with creating a new one.

That was a huge AHA moment as Oprah would say. I am not ready to say goodbye to the life Ryan and I had planned, the dreams we shared and the things we wanted to do together, so how could I possibly start thinking about what was next? This has actually made me feel comfortable with the in-between that I am in and given me some peace to just "be".

I know that whatever comes next, whenever that is, will be great. But for now, I am still happy just knowing that I am doing the best I can for Talyn and I. Even if it is the "in-between".


  1. What a peaceful thing to find, the in-between. Enjoy the in-between and every AHA moment it brings you. You are a very very courageous, outstanding person.

  2. Many years ago when I was 20 my best friends dad passed away from cancer in his nasel passage. He suffered for over for over a year and we all had a chance to be with him and say our goodbyes. A while later (6 months or so)I was talking to her mother and asked how she was managing she said she had to keep reminding herself that Tom was gone. She would go throughout her day and think "I'll have to tell Tom this or that!", so instead of holding it in she would talk to him, after all they had been best friend for over 35 years when he died.
    I was amazed at this view of handling loosing someone you love. Over the years I have had to say permanent goodbyes many times including both my parents and my husbands parents and while we have lived far away from family most of our married life we have always had the luxary of picking up the phone for a quick chat.
    It is hard to wrap your mind around thier lack of earthly presences, so don't. Have the conversation if only in your mind, like you would have if Ryan was still here.
    Most grief councellers will tell you it takes at least a year for you to start to heal and not to make any great changes before then. When the first aniversay passes it will start to be easier. Life won't feel so bogged down and you will start to feel that you are moving forward. Take this time for youself and the healing process. Don't be in such a rush. Six months is not really a long time when you have live with the whole situation for so long now. The letting go will happen in small steps not big leaps.
    The most important thing is that you enjoy your son and the in-between time to the fullest.
    In a blink of an eye time will be gone so don't miss a minute of the now.