Lately I have felt like I know I need to move forward and start to re-create my life and who I am now, but haven't been able to. Most weeks go by and I feel like I've gotten Talyn to school and sports, gotten to work and done the other things I do, but we're not really moving ahead. Because I know that's the next step and I am a planner, it's frustrating that I can't seem to get going already. The best way I can describe it is that I feel like I'm stuck in sludge. My feet are moving, but I am not.
It wasn't until I watched last week's "brothers and sisters" - an excellent show, that I realized why. Calista Flockhart's character has crazy similarities to my life. She battled cancer, has a son and now has lost her husband. In last week's show she met someone and was having a hard time moving forward (that part I don't have a similarity too though). Her mother sat her down and said that she wasn't yet ready to let go of the life she was supposed to have. The life she planned with her husband and child, the dreams they had together and the life they wanted. Until she was ready to say goodbye to this life that wasn't going to be a reality anymore, she couldn't possibly move forward with creating a new one.
That was a huge AHA moment as Oprah would say. I am not ready to say goodbye to the life Ryan and I had planned, the dreams we shared and the things we wanted to do together, so how could I possibly start thinking about what was next? This has actually made me feel comfortable with the in-between that I am in and given me some peace to just "be".
I know that whatever comes next, whenever that is, will be great. But for now, I am still happy just knowing that I am doing the best I can for Talyn and I. Even if it is the "in-between".