It really makes me mad that right now there are so many people around the world that are in the same situation we are. The western doctors are not as hopeful as you want them to be, every eastern doctor we meet is sure they can cure Ryan completely and we are stuck in the middle trying to figure out which way to go. It just doesn't make sense that in a time where your mind is not as clear as you need it, you are forced to act like a doctor and decide which is the best treatment to go with.
Through the past week I have transitioned nicely through the many stages of grief. The day after the news I went to a work meeting and everyone kept asking me why I was there - Denial. Then I started to feel really mad at why we should have to deal with cancer as a couple for the 6th time! I have always said that it was better it was us than a child or an elderly person, but that's because I was always totally confident we could get through it. But this time I did finally get - Mad. The next step is supposed to be Bargaining, where I will promise to whatever god or spirit you believe in to be better. I have always done this before, but this time have a hard time putting my head around any person that would give us this challenge again. On Tuesday of this week, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I couldn't get out of bed and cried very easily - Depression.
Now I am moving towards the fight - Acceptance. Reminding myself that Ryan has always been the exception and will continue to be so. The hardest part of this stage is that you have to let your mind go to the worst possible conclusion and go through how you would deal with that. Then you can bring yourself back to the today and deal with every day as it comes without going to that dark place again.
When someone gets this kind of news, the people around them don't know what to do or say. That is okay and normal. Just know that they would much rather you tell them that you're sorry they have to go through this and that you don't know what to say, then if you stay silent. They need to know that you are there to support them and help them out. Now they may not take you up on any of your offers to help, but the fact that you did makes them really know you care.
I am not saying all of this to get you to email me, but just to share with you what I experienced in terms of reactions when I was sick and what I am now seeing with Ryan. Live today like there is no tomorrow because none of us know what will happen today. Make Ryan your inspiration to tell someone you love them, forgive someone for something they've done or do something great that you keep putting off. Together we can make this a better place, but it's not going to happen if we all wait for that to happen.
