Monday, March 23, 2009

Where is my time best spent?

This is a question that everyone asks all the time, but I have been asking myself it a lot lately. I have been thinking back to when the last time in my life was that I didn't feel pulled. I think it was before we had Talyn. Before that, there were two ideas of what to do in any given moment, but now it seems like there are several competing priorities all of the time.

I talk to my mommy friends about mommy guilt, but now I feel like it's amplified. Talyn has been experiencing some problems as a result of all of the trauma he has had in his life since he was one. So, he is attending play therapy and it has been really eye opening for Ryan and I. Not only are we learning how much our cancer has affected Talyn, but we're also seeing how our parenting skills have been less than perfect throughout.

Ryan's MRI showed that he is responding to the Avastin, so they will continue to look every 2 months at its progress. Although the news was really great, I still can't shake the doubt over the long term success. I guess that is what happens once you've been dealing with the ups and downs for so long. He has been able to reduce some of his medications and that has brought the old ryan back again. His only real side effects are his growing fatigue and his short term memory (which they say should get better after the full affects of radiotherapy are through).

But perspective really is everything in life isn't it? I have a friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer around the same time of my original diagnosis and she has been fighting an extremely hard battle. But unfortunately her cancer was much more agressive than mine and her life has been fairly challenging lately. She needs help walking and gets dizzy quite easily, but last week told me that she was attending a deep water workout class and asked if I wanted to go!

With the world economy continuing to be so volatile, friends of mine are also losing their jobs. Some of them, the breadwinner of the family. So, although my life has its challenges and I'm sure yours does to, there's always a dose of perspective to bring us back to reality. Everyone has ups and downs, so spend your time wisely on things that make you feel strong, happy and fulfilled!


  1. Hey Tash,

    Wow! Did this post ever strike a chord with me. You are so great at putting it all out there. I've spent a lot of time over the past year thinking about where is best to spend my time.

    As always, our thoughts & prayers are with you, Ryan, & Talyn.


  2. Ahh mommy guilt - as "mothers" we are so hard on ourselves. We all have this picture in our head of what the "perfect" parent is and it's so unfair that we judge ourselves against it. The truth is, there is no perfect parent... I believe the most imporant thing is to have a connection to our kids and love them with all our heart.

    You are right - Talyn has been affected by what you are going through .. he is growing up with bright, smart, strong, postive, fight against all odds parents - what a lucky little boy.

    Hugs to you and your boys

  3. Tasha,

    Read what I just sent Ryan on his blog. Perspective is the word of the day.

    We, as humans, are remarkably egocentric. What happens to us is our existence. The great things we get are true highs, and the nasty things are the worst things ever. We tend, because of who we are as animals, to dwell on what happens to us, and those we love, and judge what we do, or have intended to do, by the extremes in our lives.

    I look at what has happened to us, and how we have reacted, and wonder if we could have done better. Both of our girls have suffered, especially immediately after the accident, simply because we HAD to take care of other things. Sometimes priorities are what you choose, but very often they are what gets thrust on you.

    I firmly believe that we have a finite amount of energy. And I firmly believe that women can give of themselves to a level that men just can't achieve. But regardless of who you are, you can only give so much. If you go to bed exhausted, you've done what you can. Don't beat yourself up.

    After the accident, people kept asking us what they could do for us. When I spoke at Emma's funeral, I told them one of the small comforts Pam and I had was that we knew Emma knew we loved her. I told them that if they wanted to do something for us, they should go home and hug their kids. I have seen how much you guys love and treasure Talyn. And I can tell you from personal experience that kids are remarkably resilient. Give him the help he needs, hug him every day, let him be alone when he needs to be, and be the great parents you are, and it will all work out.

    I honestly don't know if our cards are predetermined at birth, or if we just get dealt what we get as we go along, but either way, we can't choose 'em. Don't worry about the person who is inconsolable because their cat got run over... that's the worst thing that's ever happened to them. Do the best you can with the cards you're dealt, and take solace in the fact that you guys aren't quitters.

    Pam and I are amazed by both of your tenacity, determination, positivity, and grace. When the 'green light' is displayed out front of your house, we're coming out to buy you guys dinner. And we'll let the kids choose where they want to go.

    Chin up, and huge hugs to everyone!