It is incredibly heart breaking to watch this happen to someone so full of life. I try to comfort myself in the positives - I was lucky to have such an amazing husband for the time I did, it truly changed me for the better. He has taught me to slow down (still working on that one), let more things roll off my back, has given me an amazing son and really helped to make me who I am today.
For those of us around him, we know that things are progressing, but I try not to see it. When he comes home on the weekends, it is the clearest to me. I have to help him get around much more than the week before. Although he tries his best to do everything on his own, he does need more assistance now. His right hand is much weaker and doesn't do much he wants it to and he struggles more with walking - but I am still so proud that he is defying the odds as his mobility was supposed to be gone by now.
The last two days I have felt a tight ball in my heart. It just feels stuck and I don't know how to make it better. I went to acupuncture and my doctor told me that my emotions are really stagnated (which is shown in medical terms by my liver not moving like it should and not riding my body of the toxins it should). This is a real warning sign to me because that can lead to bigger problems if my body remembers the ugly cancer stuff it had before.
So, I started going back to the gym this week. Working out has always helped me work out the bad stuff before, I run like mad and feel better as I push my lungs and visualize me pounding on the ugly things in my life at the time. I am also going to Reiki and get some help pulling some emotions out of me. I don't feel like I'm trying to hold anything in, it's just stuck. So a good friend recommended this way to get someone else to help me pull it out.
Talyn continues to do fairly well, but has his moments where he is trying to figure everything out. He has even said some things this week that break my heart. He told me that he wished I would die and daddy could stay and be with him, but I realize they are out of anger. It still breaks my heart that I can't fix it all for him. He went to his weekly play therapy session last week and was really struggling with being there. He said he wanted to go and was having a bad day when she was asking him the hard questions. So we ended up finishing early and shortly after Talyn started vomiting. I took him home and spent the day cuddling him and watching G-Force.
The great thing that happened this week is that I got a ring made for my right hand ring finger. I realize that I will have to take off my wedding rings at some point and that will feel like Ryan is really gone. But with this ring, I can always wear it. I chose Ryan's birthstone - a blue topaz and it is held together by three small bands to represent the three of us together in our hearts forever. It is a reminder of all of the amazing things Ryan brings to my life and that whatever happens in the upcoming months, having him a part of my life for even this short time is not something I would change if I could.