Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Trying to hold my heart together

It is incredibly heart breaking to watch this happen to someone so full of life. I try to comfort myself in the positives - I was lucky to have such an amazing husband for the time I did, it truly changed me for the better. He has taught me to slow down (still working on that one), let more things roll off my back, has given me an amazing son and really helped to make me who I am today.

For those of us around him, we know that things are progressing, but I try not to see it. When he comes home on the weekends, it is the clearest to me. I have to help him get around much more than the week before. Although he tries his best to do everything on his own, he does need more assistance now. His right hand is much weaker and doesn't do much he wants it to and he struggles more with walking - but I am still so proud that he is defying the odds as his mobility was supposed to be gone by now.

The last two days I have felt a tight ball in my heart. It just feels stuck and I don't know how to make it better. I went to acupuncture and my doctor told me that my emotions are really stagnated (which is shown in medical terms by my liver not moving like it should and not riding my body of the toxins it should). This is a real warning sign to me because that can lead to bigger problems if my body remembers the ugly cancer stuff it had before.

So, I started going back to the gym this week. Working out has always helped me work out the bad stuff before, I run like mad and feel better as I push my lungs and visualize me pounding on the ugly things in my life at the time. I am also going to Reiki and get some help pulling some emotions out of me. I don't feel like I'm trying to hold anything in, it's just stuck. So a good friend recommended this way to get someone else to help me pull it out.

Talyn continues to do fairly well, but has his moments where he is trying to figure everything out. He has even said some things this week that break my heart. He told me that he wished I would die and daddy could stay and be with him, but I realize they are out of anger. It still breaks my heart that I can't fix it all for him. He went to his weekly play therapy session last week and was really struggling with being there. He said he wanted to go and was having a bad day when she was asking him the hard questions. So we ended up finishing early and shortly after Talyn started vomiting. I took him home and spent the day cuddling him and watching G-Force.

The great thing that happened this week is that I got a ring made for my right hand ring finger. I realize that I will have to take off my wedding rings at some point and that will feel like Ryan is really gone. But with this ring, I can always wear it. I chose Ryan's birthstone - a blue topaz and it is held together by three small bands to represent the three of us together in our hearts forever. It is a reminder of all of the amazing things Ryan brings to my life and that whatever happens in the upcoming months, having him a part of my life for even this short time is not something I would change if I could.


  1. Hi Tasha, you don't know me at all but I have been folowing your blog from a link from Lisa Rendalls site. You sound like a truly amazing wife and mother. Good job on going to the gym, you need to make sure to take care of yourself through all this crazyness, something that is so easy for us moms/wives to forget.

    Hang in there, keep cherishing every moment, looks like Ryan has been putting up quite the fight and will continue to do so.

    The three of you are in my thoughts. <3

  2. Hi Tasha,

    My heart continues with you, Ryan and Talyn. I'm glad to hear that you are taking steps to help keep yourself as healthy as possible - that is of great importance at this time. May I also suggest seeing if you can find time to hop into an infrared sauna now and then? They can often be found at places like yoga studios or some chiropractor offices, etc. We purchased one for our home for Elias' treatment, and I find it incredibly helpful to sit in there and feel as though I'm melting away some of the stress and sorrow. Still, I know the heavy, tight heart you speak of. It's not easy.

    After Elias passed away, Eibhlin said something to me about wishing it was me who had died - it was hard to hear, even though she didn't say it in anger - but I also realized that it was because she was too young to understand that if it was me who died, she would still be going through the exact same thing.

    She and I spoke this morning about you, Ryan and Talyn and I asked her if she could talk with Talyn what she might say. We discussed that, though it's hard to lose your Daddy, it's ok because then he will be your angel and will always still be close to you.

    The ring is a beautiful idea - just know you don't need to take your current ones off anytime before you are ready (I still wear mine almost 10 months later). I had thought of taking my three rings and blending them together to make three new ones - one for each of the girls and one for myself - though I can see how hard it would be to let go of the bands, so I may have to borrow your idea instead. . .

    Anyhow, I've gone long as usual, but I wanted you to know that you are still very present in our thoughts and in our hearts.

  3. Tasha,
    It's Suki from what seems like an entire lifetime ago when we worked together in Toronto. I have been following your blog for many months - maybe even a year. I check almost every night before I go to bed. Lately, I lose my breath a little when I see you have made a post. I think you are so brave and I'm so sorry that you have had to go through so much in the last few years. I want you to tell Ryan something for me. His message has got through to me. Everytime I read his words I hug my kids a little harder, I make sure I tell my husband I love him, and I take inventory of how many things I have to be grateful for. I know he feels so passionately about that message - how lucky we all are to be able to do the simplest things in life.
    You are both amazing. Thanks for reminding me over and over how precious life is. Hugs, Suki

  4. Dear Tasha,
    Thank you for this latest posting on your blog site. We're amazed that you are even able to think about those of us who are making this journey with you across the miles. You write with so much honesty and emotion that we are humbled by your courage.

    It is good to know that Ryan continues to defy the odds and that you are finding comfort in all the positives in your life because of him. Your new ring sounds like a perfect symbol of the unique family unit that is yours.

    It seems that staying strong and healthy is the very best thing you can do for yourself, Ryan and Talyn at this time. Your heart is the heart of the family, Tasha, and you are doing a courageous job of holding it together.

    Today, the flame on our candle of hope burns as brightly as ever.
    Sincere well-wishes,
    Louise and David

  5. Hi Tasha,
    I've been commenting on Ryan's blog, but I also wanted to pass on to you my love and thoughts in time so full of conflicting joyful/painful emotions.
    I'm sending all my positive vibes to the three of you every day.
    Love, Marni

  6. I love the wonderful idea for the ring. Something that you can always have with you when Ryan can't be there.

    I'm so happy you are taking the time to look after yourself. The gym and Reiki sound perfect. I can just picture you at the gym using your strength in different ways and possibly having peace inside even if just for a few moments.

    My family talks and think of you often and wishes you well. Hugs.