Last night I was giving Talyn a bath at Ryan's new "pad" (that's what he wants us to call the Hospice) and he was asking some more of his really hard questions. Then he said "I know....you can wait until I get bigger and then I will marry you!". I started crying quietly and he said "isn't that a good idea momma?" and I said "you are the best my love". In his little word, he had something all figured out to try and fix this terrible, unfixable thing that is happening in our world.
Ryan moved into the hospice last Thursday and even though we were struggling with the timing of the move terribly, it was even better than we thought it was when we got there. The house and its staff are absolutely amazing. We had no idea it could be a good thing mentally as well, but it is. It's a place that allows me to relax because they can cook meals for all of us and has a great playroom for Talyn. So it's quickly turning into a family place for us that is safe and quiet.
Then we took Ryan home for a weekend pass. I was a bit nervous about that. After only a day in hospice, I was already worried about how I would manage. When we got home, Ryan was a bit nervous too - he missed his safety net and the convenience of everything in his room being so close for him. He got fairly tired moving around our house and was actually happy to be back at the pad last night.
I continue to be mostly "ok" - whatever that means. Last night when Talyn and I got home for the second night on our own, he quickly fell asleep and I watched Desperate Housewives - something Ryan and I always watched together. It was a good show, but something came over me at the end when Bree attended a 50th wedding anniverary. At that moment, the reality hit. Ryan and I likely wouldn't get that and I wanted it. But there's nothing I can do to change the future.
The company that I work for continues to amaze me too. They are giving me this time off to be with my family. I can't help but feel some guilt bubble up to the surface from time to time about that. But at the same time, things are so busy that I haven't yet found a way to fit some "me" time into my days. Hopefully this week I can find a way to work that all out.
Friends and family continue to swoop in where needed to help us out with the smallest day to day things and that is helping tremendously. It's hard to know what we need, but they seem to.
Now it's time to get up and get on with another day and hope that it's a good one. Our love and thanks to you all!