When I was growing up - I loved the movie The Little Mermaid. The story of a girl who overcomes everything. It was filled with fun music that Tricia and I were known to belt out on many occasions. There was something about it that was hopeful, even though it was all new. And that is how I am trying to look at our new life.
Our trip to Disneyworld with the Crowes was great. It was jam-packed, fitting in 2 visits to Magic Kingdom, 1 to Animal Kingdom, Sea World and 2 Water Parks in just 7 days. I am so thankful that we went and that we were with the Crowes. Kevin did a great job of playing double duty dad to the boys and Hannah provided me with an outlet that I needed, when I needed it. We mostly laughed, but had some tears too, as we wished that Ryan could have made the trip with us. Talyn even said..." why couldn't daddy have died after this trip?".
I started attending a Young Widow Support Group last week. Who knew there were enough people affected by this that were younger...but as my life takes another turn, I again am faced with another need in our community. So maybe down the road I will channel some of my energy towards that, but for now I am just relieved to meet with some other people who really "get" where I am right now.
This week I started a very gradual return to work. It is one of the many pieces that I am trying to fit into my new puzzle. It was better than I thought in some ways and harder in others. But channeling my energy to somewhere that I feel such fulfillment from will be good.
What is giving me a lot of positive energy these days is some fun things for Ryan. Our friends Nathan and Christina are hosting a fundraiser in his honour on June 5th and it will be nice to have a day for him and give back to Rosedale Hospice for all they did for our family. As well we are within a day or so of launching his website and then the sale of his book. My next posting will no doubt be all about that.
Tayn continues to do well, but is filled with many questions that bring me back to the place that is so raw. Can we turn the ashes back into daddy's body? What do you think daddy is doing up there right now? Can you please get me a new daddy cause mine died? How old will I be when I die? I struggle to continue to come up with answers for all of them and mostly it just breaks my heart that I can't make it all better for him. That's what mom's are supposed to do!
We went to go see the new Shrek movie last weekend and popped into Lululemon afterwards for my niece to take a look around. There was a guy riding a bike to raise funds for the upcoming Ride to Conquer Cancer. Talyn asked why he was riding a bike and I explained that it was for medicine for people with cancer. "Can they get medicine up to daddy too so that we can get him back?" he asked. But then he said he wanted to go talk to the guy riding. When we got up there, Talyn got shy and the rider just asked me what time it was. "7:15, I said. What time are you riding until?" "9, don't know if I can make it", he said. Then Talyn said to him "My daddy just died from cancer.". The rider looked shocked and looked to me for confirmation. "Yes, just 6 weeks ago" I said. "Thanks for riding so that no one else dies from cancer" Talyn said" The rider got tears in his eyes and said "Thanks buddy, I will have no problems making it to 9 now".
So our lives continue to be filled with firsts - our first plane ride without the ex-pilot, our first vacation, and many more weekly. In that moment my eyes fill with tears as I wish desperately that we could make daddy's ashes back into his body or that they could get the medicine up to him and then we could get him back. But for now it's a whole new world for us, one that we are trying to enjoy and keep smiling in for Ryan.