Monday, July 5, 2010

Trying to find the joy

So much has happened over the past month, but overall the feelings for both of us are still about the same. Life with cancer was filled with very high - high's and very low - low's. But lately things have just felt numb. Although I do still laugh and smile, it's not the same. I feel like the mountain peaks I used to climb and fall from are more like prairies now. There aren't many high's and not many low's either - until I got literally dropped back down.

Talyn and I have been trying to catch up on our normal lives - doctor and dentist appointments. So when we went for our annual physicals (about 2 years late), I thought - so this is what normal life is like. Until we noticed an area of thickening near my recurrence. Quickly all the pieces went into motion and I was in for an ultrasound and to see my surgeon just days later. Luckily, it all turned out to be just change in scar tissue - but it did rattle me a bit. It rattled the anger that hasn't really come around.

Then over the past couple of weeks, Tricia has been having her own health issues. One thing has led to a couple of others and last week there was a period of time where we were all fairly certain that her leukemia was making a come back. Just when I was feeling like I was starting to get more back into a few things in my life and BOOM - out of nowhere, we were all dropped into the valley. Over those days, I felt that anger come out more strongly and in that moment, I completely understood why Kevin decided to train for a marathon over the past year. I had all of this anger building up inside of me and couldn't figure out how to get it out. But running for me has always been a way of getting the build up of crap out.

But you will have noticed I used the past tense above, because we found out Wednesday that whatever has been going on with Tricia, it has not been due to the Leukemia. In the moments when we found that out, I was shot back up to the mountain peak - in fact we all were. I felt like we had both again been handed back our precious lives and at the same time, the subtle reminder to treat it with respect.

I continue to increase my hours at work and am trying to find the same connection with it that I used to and with time, that is definitely coming back. The struggle that I am having is that my filter is gone. The little things build up inside of me and I have a hard time keeping them in. When I feel that people aren't remembering to focus on the good things - I can't help but remind them.

The hardest day for me so far has been Father's Day. For that entire day, there was just a big hole that existed that was impossible to ignore. But throughout the day we did see many two dotted ladybugs to remind us that Ryan wasn't far away. We have now been seeing these two dotted ladybugs since Ryan's last month in the hospice, when it was winter outside, so I know they are a sign for us.

Our friends have been forcing us out, to do things we haven't done in a very long time - hiking and trips to the mountains, edmonton to visit Jill and family and it all really helps!

Talyn continues to talk about Ryan, it's now just his story. On two occasions, he has just added it into conversation with strangers. Once at Zoe's (Jill's daughter) kindergarten class, where he was asked to tell them a bit about him. He said "my name is Talyn, I am 5 years old, I live in Calgary in a red house, next door to my best friend Andy, Zoe has been to calgary a lot to visit me, cause my dad just died." It absolutely blows them away, they usually tear up and look to me in disbelief, but all I can do in nod in agreement, as he continues to answer their questions. It doesn't make him sad, it's just his story. And I am just happy he continues to talk about it.

After the shock to reality that we had with Tricia's health scare last week, I feel a push to start to do more. I was thinking about what places I have always wanted to travel to and wondered why I hadn't planned for a trip to one of the list in the next year? I was thinking about all of the things I have always wanted to do with Talyn and wondered what I am waiting for? I was also trying to think about what things make me happy and wondered why I don't do them more often?

Although I don't yet have any good answers, I hope to get some soon. I also truly hope that our lives will make you ask yourselves some of these same questions and that you come up with some good answers soon too.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Tash,

    I've been thinking of you and was planning to send you a quick email, so it was nice to read a post. Father's day is a tough one . . . I could hardly remember what we did last year initially, not unlike much of the first months/year - a cloudy, numb feeling as you noted - but the photos helped remind me.

    I liked how you worded it, that for Talyn it's 'his story'. That's so true. It can be amazing how they will tell complete strangers, as if telling them about anything else in their lives. Eibhlin is a 'little' different with it now, but early on it was very much the same.

    I hope you find a way to make those trips happen. Keep an eye out for those ladybugs!