We have seen a few changes with Ryan physically this past week and that continues to break my heart. He has double vision now for most things, wakes up most days with new weakness on the right side and lacks much of the energy he had only weeks ago. This all continues to be hard on him mentally and I really don't know how he does it most days.
With all of these changes, my mind has started to wander to the dark side. In earlier relationships, I was always the girl that completely lost myself in them. But with Ryan, I lost some of who I was and became who we are now. As I think about the potential future that awaits me, I worry about how to find my way in that new life. How do I try to rediscover who I am again at 35?
My eye is almost back to normal. That was one of the scariest things that ever happened to me and also one of the quickest healing things that I have ever experienced. Phew!
We have also had more visitors over the past couple of weekends. It's a very tricky balance. For me it's good to have company and keep my mind on today. It's also necessary for Ryan, as he has a much harder time every week getting up and down our stairs. But we also miss the time we used to have with just our family. In what seems like a life time ago, we had almost too much time together - doing boring weekend errands and resting up from a busy week. Now we don't get much of that and it's hard to even remember what that was like.
The best thing that has happened in the past two weeks is that we have completed Ryan's book and it's going to the printer this week! What book you ask? Ryan has always wanted to write a book to try and help other people and to leave his legacy. With the help of a family friend, Susan, he did it.
They spent lots of time together over the past two months - him talking, her listening and her asking questions, him answering. Then Susan spent a lot of time writing (a true talent she has) and getting all of the other details organized and ta-da - the book should be ready soon. Initially we are printing 200 copies and see where it goes from there. This wouldn't have been possible without Susan - THANKS for helping this dream come true for Ryan!
Although we are experiencing what seems like the hardest of times we've ever had as a family, we still find time to laugh and live in the moment. We got Ryan to a Flames game on Friday night (thanks Don) and still appreciate the time Ryan gets at home with us. Through everything Ryan has been through, he still manages to smile. So when you're having a bad moment take a second to reflect on that and pull yourself out. If he can still smile, then I'm sure you can to!