Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Small moments of Ryan

Every time I want to write an update on Ryan, I for a second wonder if I'm jinxing myself. If by writing something, another change will come right away. I know that's ridiculous, but I've always been a bit superstitious and this experience has made me more on edge all the time.

Since last week, Ryan's left side has seen a bit of weakening and that has made it hard for him to get around much at all anymore. He spends most of his days sleeping and is up for about 1 hour every day (if you put all of the time together). But in that time, he is mostly quiet or is trying to communicate something that you can't quite understand. It reminds me of when Tricia was in ICU. They are trying so hard to tell you something, but it's not coming out the way it should. So it's like the hardest game of charades you've ever played and if you don't figure out the answer very quickly, they will get frustratatd and just go back to sleep.

Ryan still tries to get up to go to the bathroom, probably mostly from his amazing fighting and stubborn nature and partly his memory forgetting that he can't, so Kevin, Jo-Ann and I are doing a sleeping rotation in his room. We have a little cot set up so that if and when he tries to get up, we are right there to help him. Then on the other nights I am either at home with Talyn or offer him the option of staying here with me in the guest room.

Talyn is still up and down. Some moments are better than others and he still asks why the doctors can't just cut into daddy's head and get the tumour out! When I told him that it would be too dangerous and would hurt daddy more, he said that he wanted to be a doctor so that he could help fix people. Wouldn't it be interesting if that is the good he gets from this situation? The motivation to study to be a doctor and try to "fix people".

I am trying to manage my energy and be here with Ryan as much as I can to try and get that little bit of Ryan time every day. We all still struggle with watching him within this body that is failing him now and his mind that is mostly foggy, knowing that he wouldn't want to be here. But then we see a couple of moments a day that show us that Ryan is still there - a head nod with a half smirk or a sassy word and we try to take it in and cherish it for the days when there won't be anymore of those.


  1. We can't thank you enough for giving us these "small moments of Ryan", Tasha. Right now, he is the first person on our minds in the morning and the last person we think of at night.

    Besides the support of those of you who are keeping watch over him, Ryan's own "fighting and stubborn nature" must be all that is allowing him to hang onto the life that he loves so much.

    The pictures you have posted are full of life, love and good times. They are the stuff of memories. They are sure to go on providing you and Talyn with flashes of Ryan's presence in your lives.

    Thank you for the generosity and kindness of spirit that you have shown in giving us this latest update, Tasha. Even when you are down to just "a couple of moments a day" when you "get that little bit of Ryan" you are willing to share him with us. You astound us.!
    With our loving support,
    Louise and David

  2. With every post you make you amaze me even more. Stay Strong. Know how many loved ones and many strangers are praying for you and your family. Always sending you and your family love and prayers. Cherish all your moments. Tanking for teaching us to do just that. You are Amazing!!!

  3. Hey Tash....thanks so much for having the energy and motivation to even write updates in your blog. amaze me everytime i read another update - how you are handling all of this and being so strong of your boys is incredible. Be sure to take care of you too - get some good sleeps when you are at home in your nice compy bed. Love you to bits and we will talk soon...
    Jill and family...Zoe wants to say hi to Talyn... She misses him so much!

  4. Tasha, thank you so much for taking time to update us. Although I am very saddened by Ryan’s condition I feel so honored to have known him. As an IG client I’ll never forget my first meeting with Ryan. He told me the story about his time as a pilot and how his life quickly changed. I was inspired at that moment and now 5 years later he continues to inspire me. I’m sharing your story with as many people as I can because I believe in the power of prayer and I believe in the power of Ryan.

  5. Thanks Tasha. Your strength is inspiring in such a sad time. Hugs to you all.
    Love, Marni

  6. Dear Tasha,

    You and your family are loved by many people. Only the righteous have people around them in challenging times. Ryan and you are indeed righteous and bless you for keeping us up to date on his status. I am a better person for having met Ryan and yourself.


  7. I think about Ryan every day. I have been thinking about the positive side of the outcome for you, i know first hand what its like to be in your shoes. Twice. Once was hard, twice was a lesson learned. Everyday is a gift to be together,to unravel the mysteries of being human,the warmth we feel when we are with each other. Express your love always.One piece of advice would be, to keep re assuring that love never dies, and hope never fades, even when the light seems to dim,the light of the human spirit shines on.

  8. Our thoughts and prayers are with the family today!
    I will miss Ryan's big smile and positive energy but will carry those with me forever. My son and I send our sympathies along to the family.
    I am blessed that Ryan and I crossed paths during this life as he will forever leave a mark on those that he touched.

    warmest Regards
    Karcy and Keegan Carruthers

  9. So, so sorry Tasha. As commented on Ryan's blog, I am here with an ear of understanding, whenever you feel up to it. Heart felt hugs to you and Talyn, and though it's not much consolation at this time, I'm sure Elias greeted Ryan with a big smile and hug.


  10. I check your blog all the time. You are a perfect stranger to me but you have touched my heart more then you will ever know. My prayers are with you in your time of grief. You have displayed such remarkable courage and strength trough out this journey. Your blog is so sincere and honest. Know that there is an Angel above who will carry you through your darkest moments. And know that there are loved ones and strangers praying and sending there love from all over. Stay Strong and Amazing like you have been this whole journey. God Bless you and Talyn and I will pray for you and your adorable son to feel the love and comfort you both so need and will have in your time of grief. God Bless and know what an absolutely Amazing person you are. Ryan will always be watching out for the both you and helping you along the way. May he Rest in Peace.

  11. God Bless you and Tylan. We always read yours and Ryan's blog and followed his journey.
    We have prayed for Ryan and your family and many times I have copied his words and shared them with friends.
    Ryan is an amazing man and lived life to the fullest, we all have a lot to learn and he has lead a solid path for many.
    Praying for strength and comfort for you and Tylan.
    Our prayers,
    Candice, Caiden & Kennedi

  12. My heart goes out to you and Talyn. As sad as this is, I am so very glad to have known Ryan. His positivity and infectious smile I will remember always.

  13. I am so sorry Tasha,
    our thoughts are with you and Talyn as you hold each other through this next stage of the journey. It was an absolute pleasure to have met Ryan and bask in his enormous smile. You Tasha are the strongest woman I have ever met and an Inspiration to all who meet you. May your inner strength hold you and Talyn tight in the coming difficult months.
    All our love
    DonnaMarie,Rich, Chloe and Aimee x

  14. Please know in the days and weeks and months to come, that we are all still praying for you and thinking of you. May you have an abundant of Angels surronding you in the days, weeks, months and years ahead to help you on this part of your journey. Stay strong and Amazing like you have been through all of this. I'am praying for you and praying that you have many many Angels to carry you and Talyn through your darkest moments. My thoughts and prays are with you and your Family and Ryans Family. God Bless you all and know how lucky all of you are to have had Ryan in your lives for the short time that you all had him. God Bless. xoxoxo

  15. Tasha,

    I’ve wanted to write on your blog for quite sometime but just never knew the words use. Please accept these words as my thank you to you and Ryan – though they surely do not do my gratitude justice.

    I worked with you at Long View - though our interactions were brief you made a measureable impact on my life. Reading yours as well as Ryan’s blog nearly every day has kept perspective at the forefront of my mind when facing day to day ‘challenges’ as well as deeper life experiences and journeys. With deepest sincerity I want to thank both you and Ryan for sharing your journey(s), as I followed your ups and downs I grew more attached to you and your story. I was filled with hope and excitement when there were the ups and cried when there were the downs. I shared your story with everyone I know in hopes that our collective energy would reach you both in your times of need. Though I only met Ryan a couple of times when I read the news of his passing I felt as though I had lost a friend. His open candid blog allowed a portal to be opened where individual journey paths had the opportunity to cross as well as what might be the greatest life lesson to be shared in a safe and comfortable environment. What to me is the greatest achievement of Ryan’s story is that, because of him, I have learnt to Stop, Drop and Smile and also, because of Ryan, I have shared his timeless lesson with others, encouraging them to really stop and think about their life and its meaning. It was heart warming to hear the stories shared of Ryan during his Celebration of Life, how fortunate he was and you are to be surrounded by such amazing people – you truly reap what you sow – another life lesson.

    May you continue on the journey set before you hand in hand with Talyn knowing that each step that you take, every decision made, and every new challenge faced that you have Ryan with you. The legacy he left, and the mark made here in this time transcends all allowing you to live in the moment knowing he is in you.

    Warmest Regards

  16. I had the opportunity to know Ryan as a little boy for several years. Even back then, Ryan's smile could light up the universe. That bright spirit is still shining in our memories & hearts and I hope his amazing legacy will warm your heart with memories that comfort you. My life was enriched by knowing him for a brief time. I would be happy to share pictures with you,when Ryan was little, when you are ready