These days have seemed to just melt by and I have to think for a minute to remember what day of the week it even is. I am spending most of my time at the hospice with Ryan now and still struggling with the balance of time with Talyn too. It's something that I have always struggled with throughout my life and now the balance between them both and my own needs is very tricky at best.
Ryan's family is here to be with him and my mom is here to be with Talyn. That allows me to be whereever I want at any moment - which is mostly at the hospice. I always think that if it was me who was confused, sleepy and in a new place alone, I would want him with me - so I am trying to do the same. I can tell he wants me here too because when he does quickly open his eyes every hour or so, he scans the room and then when we meet eyes, he gives me a big smile.
Last night I stayed at home with Talyn and Ryan's brother stayed up here so that I could try and regain some energy. But my heart felt like it literally stopped when my cell rang at 12:30 am from the hospice and the lady at the other end introduced herself. In that moment I thought...."this is it - the call I've been dreading. I can't believe it happened on the night I am not there." Instead, Ryan was very confused and wanted to speak to me, so they called to try and calm him down. Once I explained where I was and that it was the middle of the night and he'd see me tomorrow, he settled down a bit.
Ryan is continuing to battle an increasing headache and is on some heavy pain medications to keep him comfortable. But he says it's always there a bit. His days are spent sleeping more and more and his words are very mixed up. Most of the time, we just try to assure him we understand and that everything is okay and he settles down to sleep again.
In my readings about people that are near death, there is often talk about unfinished business and experiences of crossing over and coming back. We've seen lots of interesting things with Ryan that continue to signal the time is near. He wakes frustrated about something that he needs to get done - unpluggling cords or talking to someone. Once he even told Kevin that he had to go somewhere soon and that he didn't know where it was, but that it would be really good. He will also think that his right hand is moving again and then realize it actually isn't. Are you getting goose bumps yet?
There are many hard parts to what is happening right now. But the worst is watching his body continue to fail him and knowing that if he knew this was happening, that he would want to go. But we can't just snap our fingers and make that happen. On days where I feel strong, I say out loud to someone that I hope he goes soon, because I know that this isn't the life that he wants to live. But then I instantly feel my heart breaking and think that isn't what I want at all. I just want him to stay with us forever.
Yesterday I went to Talyn's school to see what work he's been doing lately. After he finished one exercise he told me that now it was time to make a wish. He wished that we could be a family that allowed guns in our house (we are trying not to allow toy guns in our house - even though he still makes them out of anything he can find) and that his daddy wouldn't die and he could stay alive with us. I told him that I wished that no matter what happened, daddy wouldn't be in pain and that the two of us would be okay.
Thanks so much for all of your kind words that continue to lift us up and bring us some much needed strength as we walk the line.