Thursday, March 18, 2010

My Ladybug

If you've read Ryan's blog, you know that we are seeing some more changes. He has been having some headaches which he is rating a 7 out of 10. But he has quite the pain tolerance after all he's been through, so I am fairly certain it would be off the charts for any of us. Over the last day, they have worked hard to minimize the pain and gotten it down to his "2 out of 10" (our 5 I'm sure). He is now on a steady dose of morphine and that seems to be helping.

He has also been very sleepy most of the time. Both the headaches and the sleepiness are common symptoms for the location of his tumour. They are taking very good care of him here at the pad and the doc will see him again on Saturday to try and assess how quickly things are going. For those of us close to him, it's heartbreaking to watch this all happen - but we just don't want to see him in pain, so are thankful that is being minimized.

Talyn has been having some emotional problems with all of this and it has been expressed as panic attacks when we come to the pad. So we are trying to reduce his visits in half and that seems to have helped. Thank goodness for Skype he can still see daddy when he wants.

And me? Well I am just keeping going. I am keeping myself busy with watching Ryan sleep and doing tasks, but what else can I do? Inside my heart is breaking in two, but I don't want to spend my time with Ryan now upset. I already know that his biggest regret in leaving so soon is leaving Talyn and I alone. If I just cried all of the time when I was with him that would make it harder on him. So I am continuing to find out how strong I am and wait for the fall that will surely come. My comfort is knowing all of the people that are there to catch me.

Over the past 2 months, I have been seeing a cute little 2 dotted ladybug. Some of you are reading this thinking - okay, get this girl some sleep - she is losing it! But I have always been with someone else when these sightings happen - Talyn, Ryan or Jo-Ann. And every time we get the little guy moved to a nearby plant. When I mentioned this to "the coolest spiritual person you'll ever meet" Shane, he wasn't surprised and told me to look up "ladybug" and "totem" on the internet.

What I found is that the ladybug is a symbol of many things and whenever I am having an especially hard time or discussion, they seem to appear. For me they signify a time of change and metamorphisis. They remind me that we've been fortunate to have Ryan in as good of health as he has been for as long as we have - and certainly for the first 5 crucial developmental years of Talyn's life. And they also tell me that although there is 3, soon there will be 2 - Talyn and I and we will be okay.

Love to you all....


  1. Oh my, talk about coincidences. My sister passed from a GBM and she comes to see me as a lady bug. Perhaps she is looking after Ryan right now.
    You are an amazing woman Tasha. God Bless you.

  2. Thinking of you constantly Tasha. Sending up many prayers for you, and comforting hugs across cyberspace.



  3. Tasha,

    You continue to amaze me. Your strength during this time in your life is so admirable. You, Ryan and Talyn are in my thoughts every day. I hope that Ryan can continue to manage his pain, and that you have many more joyful moments with him. I am thrilled (and very impressed!) that Ryan has written a book, and cannot wait to get a copy. I can only imagine how inspiring it will be. He has already changed so many lives for the better through his blog messages.

    With love, Heather Worts and family

  4. Dear Tasha,
    Your story about the ladybug is a wonderful ray of hope for those of us who can only stand by while you, Ryan and Talyn make this awful journey together.

    Thank you for describing the ladybug's recurring presence and for explaining its significance for you. Even under these dire circumstances, your words of gratitude, acceptance and courage convince us that when "3" does "become 2", you and Talyn "will be okay". Knowing THAT is your gift of promise and hope to the rest of us.
    Much love,
    Louise and David

  5. Stay strong, you are amazing. Your courage and strength are one of kind. You truly are one of a kind and one amazing woman. I admire your strength and courage. Dont ever stop being the AMAZING WOMAN you are. Keep on Keepin on.

  6. Hey Tash...I am glad we got to chat the other night and remember to call whenever you need to cry, talk or whatever. Glad you have some family coming tonight - they can give you some much needed strength and support! I am here for you and am constantly thinking of you and admiring you for your courage throughout this- you are amazing. Big hugs to you, Talyn and of course Ryan.
    Love Jill
    P.S The girls talk about Talyn all of the time!

  7. Stay Strong!!! You are Amazing!!! Love, Peace and Light. xoxoxo

  8. I'm still following, Tasha, and have just received my own palliative prognosis. Oddly, there's been a ladybug in my porch for the past several weeks, and I'm happy to read of its significance. Bless you and Ryan and Talyn and thanks for sharing your journey.

  9. Tash,
    That is one of the most amazing things I have ever read and heard. Your writing is amazing.
    THinking of you lots.

  10. Tasha,
    I love reading your blogs. Almost everyday I check to see if a new one has been posted! You have a one of a kind insight on life and though I know you have heard this over and over, it is truly inspirational. I loved the "you will be happy" blog-- it is so true! You are such an amazing, positive person, I know that you will find peace. You have a heart of gold- Talyn is blessed to have such an awesome mom. And as we went over in physics today.. every action has an equal and opposite reaction. You and Ryan pouring your love into Talyn has made him such a happy, bubbly kid, and therefore, he will reciprocate the love and bring you joy in return!

    I must say that I am super excited to read your book. You really do have a gift with story telling- from all of the hippie and traveling adventures you have told me about.. I'm sure I will be in for a treat. I know that there will be many people positively effected by this book, what a great idea! I can already picture myself putting a sentence from it as my facebook quote because I know it will influence my personal growth and allow me to re-evaluate my view on the meaning of life!

    Thanks for everything you two have done. You will never know how much of an influence you have had on my life, and everyone else who knows you. lots and lots and lots and lots of love,


  11. Tasha, I don't have any words to describe how incredibly amazing and strong you are. We are all thinking of you during this incredibly difficult time.

    Michelle Henry