My Ladybug

If you've read Ryan's blog, you know that we are seeing some more changes. He has been having some headaches which he is rating a 7 out of 10. But he has quite the pain tolerance after all he's been through, so I am fairly certain it would be off the charts for any of us. Over the last day, they have worked hard to minimize the pain and gotten it down to his "2 out of 10" (our 5 I'm sure). He is now on a steady dose of morphine and that seems to be helping.

He has also been very sleepy most of the time. Both the headaches and the sleepiness are common symptoms for the location of his tumour. They are taking very good care of him here at the pad and the doc will see him again on Saturday to try and assess how quickly things are going. For those of us close to him, it's heartbreaking to watch this all happen - but we just don't want to see him in pain, so are thankful that is being minimized.

Talyn has been having some emotional problems with all of this and it has been expressed as panic attacks when we come to the pad. So we are trying to reduce his visits in half and that seems to have helped. Thank goodness for Skype he can still see daddy when he wants.

And me? Well I am just keeping going. I am keeping myself busy with watching Ryan sleep and doing tasks, but what else can I do? Inside my heart is breaking in two, but I don't want to spend my time with Ryan now upset. I already know that his biggest regret in leaving so soon is leaving Talyn and I alone. If I just cried all of the time when I was with him that would make it harder on him. So I am continuing to find out how strong I am and wait for the fall that will surely come. My comfort is knowing all of the people that are there to catch me.

Over the past 2 months, I have been seeing a cute little 2 dotted ladybug. Some of you are reading this thinking - okay, get this girl some sleep - she is losing it! But I have always been with someone else when these sightings happen - Talyn, Ryan or Jo-Ann. And every time we get the little guy moved to a nearby plant. When I mentioned this to "the coolest spiritual person you'll ever meet" Shane, he wasn't surprised and told me to look up "ladybug" and "totem" on the internet.

What I found is that the ladybug is a symbol of many things and whenever I am having an especially hard time or discussion, they seem to appear. For me they signify a time of change and metamorphisis. They remind me that we've been fortunate to have Ryan in as good of health as he has been for as long as we have - and certainly for the first 5 crucial developmental years of Talyn's life. And they also tell me that although there is 3, soon there will be 2 - Talyn and I and we will be okay.

Love to you all....